Ed. 1: Bro, where’s my phone?
When I write, I try to be eloquent, wise, creative…hell, even a little funny. This will likely be none of those things, as this wasn’t something I set out to document. But upon reflecting on this past week, I realized it might be nice to log my thoughts for future reference. Also, I have more time now, and while I did try to pick up whittling, I dropped it after I wasn’t immediately good at it, so I need to find another way to fill my schedule. Will I do this regularly? Likely not. But I think when there’s something worth making a note of–like some changes and observations I’ll get into shortly–I’ll try and do so (emphasis on the ‘try’).
Why did you get a flip phone? Several people have asked me this now and the answer is I actually don’t know. Since I was seventeen, I’ve talked of downgrading to a ‘dumb phone’. I’d only had a phone for three years at that point, and I was among the last of my peers–or at least, it seemed–to get one. (The reason for this was because, to quote my parents, I had a bit of an “attitude problem”.) Yet still in that short time span, I observed just how much the ‘smartphone’ had weaved its way into our culture and quickly wrapped its hands around my generation’s neck. And we were aware of this, too–make no mistake about that. There were many conversations held over late night bonfires or in cleverly named group chats discussing our disdain for social media and the desire to get away from it all. But when you have a bunch of teens–kids, really, especially nowadays–up against mega-corporations paying the best of the best to keep you scrolling, to keep you ‘tuned in’, who do you think’s going to win that war?
But I did break away, for a little bit, at least. I conducted an experiment in the fall of my senior year of high school where I ceased social media use for a month, keeping a near-daily log of my inner thoughts and findings. It was an overwhelmingly positive experience, and provided me with some newfound clarity that transcended my internet usage. While I didn’t come away with any cynicism towards the digital world, it did leave me with some concerns: Do we fall victim to our own online glorification when it comes to looking back? How much of our confidence is now dependent on the people in our comment section?
I didn’t forget the things I learned, but it didn’t stop me from hopping back online, either. While I’ve posted less on social media–and have cut out many platforms entirely–since my teenage years, I’ve actually found myself on my phone more: scrolling, scrolling, and more scrolling. With the advent of ‘shorts’ and the ‘infinite scroll’, I find myself consuming at least twice more content than I did in high school. And if the sheer volume of information isn’t enough to make your head spin, the emotional whiplash from one post to the next is. In just a ten second time span on TikTok, you can see a group of high schoolers performing Charlie XCX’s trending “Apple” dance, then a mom talking about the tragic death of her three-year old daughter, then a skinfluencer (is that a word yet? I’m trademarking that) telling you why you should get preemptive botox in your 20s, then a radical Trump supporter explaining how they’re going to microchip your children if Kamala gets elected, then a…you get the idea.
It’s just…All. Too. Much. I don’t know what pushed the needle, exactly–maturing, undergoing EMDR therapy, becoming geriatric in internet years–but I really just couldn’t handle it anymore, the overwhelm. I’ve deleted apps, accounts, grayscaled my phone, set timers…and that did a bit of good. Some people have the discipline to moderate their smartphone usage. As it turns out, I’m just not one of those people. So when it came time to get a new phone, I asked the woman at T-Mobile (out of curiosity, more than anything) what hoops I’d have to jump through if I wanted to downgrade to a flip phone. After she revealed the only thing I’d have to do was switch out my SIM card with a compatible model, I ordered a refurbished Alcatel Go Flip without much thought.
Just like that, I jumped from ’24 to ’04.
Skip Here For the Interesting Stuff
Alright, I’m done yapping, at least about the boring stuff. But let me clarify a few things: I still have my iPhone. That was one of the reasons I pulled the trigger so easily. I was always scared that switching to a flip entailed trading my current phone in, which I didn’t want to do since so much of my job (marketing) involves being ‘online’. I could navigate around that, of course, but I still wanted the safety net just in case.
That being said, I’ve only really been using it to listen to white noise while I sleep. That and, when I come home from work, I’ll occasionally fall down the doom-scroll-rabbit-hole (wow, that rhymes–trademarking that, too) or use it to post something to social media (for example: I shot a bridal shower last weekend and wanted to share to my business page); which I still access, by the way. While I got a flip phone in part to step away from all the apps, I didn’t do so with the intention of eliminating their presence from my life entirely: I adore sharing my work online and posting the occasional funny text. But that’s kind of where it ends, at least at the moment.
Now that I’ve gone over what hasn’t really changed, let’s get into what has.
When I do access the online world, it’s predominately through my laptop now, which has actually made a huge difference. Weirdly, looking at a big box takes me out of the present much less than a little one. You think it’d be the other way around, right? With the larger screen and all? But no. Instead, I still feel like everything in my peripheral carries almost (though not exactly) the same weight as my laptop, if that makes sense. On my iPhone, I felt much more ‘sucked in’, and the world through my screen felt more real than the one around me. That feeling is much less pronounced this way.
Going off of that, I realized just how often I used my phone to escape uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Consciously or subconsciously, I’d dive into Reddit or Instagram to thwart off the slightest inkling of anxiety–and that hasn’t exactly been easy. Earlier I mentioned that I was in EMDR therapy, but let me clarify: I’m currently working through both PTSD and complex trauma. Taking away my security blanket and being forced to feel every pit, every knot in my stomach has made me question if I’m doing the right thing. Do I put this off longer? Is my discomfort a bad sign? I’m acclimating to reality, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. I wish I could say it was the most liberating thing in the world, but that wouldn’t be true, because I’m not exactly coming back to the present–I’m coming back to the remnants of a past I’ve tried to outrun. The terrifying part is that I don’t know how that story ends yet, or if there is one.
Yeah, so that’s a little intense! Let’s reel it back in: The most interesting observation I’ve made is that I can literally notice the lack of dopamine hits. It’s the same sensation of going on a diet, and it’s like you can taste the absence of carbs and sweets–there’s this underlying hunger, this low-grade buzz waiting for the next high that’s not coming. I can physically sense what I’m mentally missing. Isn’t that wild? I do suspect this to pass, and I’ve been spending more and more time doing nothing other than just being where I am. Last night I held a bonfire for myself, by myself. My parents asked me what I did for the hour+ I’d spend along in our backyard, and were surprised to find that the answer was nothing–I literally just sat there, observing the stars and watching the move moon from behind a tree to my right and next to the old playhouse I grew up hiding in. It was a unique experience, I’ll admit.
But on the flip side, while it has been uncomfortable at times, my attention span and productivity have already seemed to have climbed away up. I’m no longer checking my phone every few minutes and getting caught up in reading the snark Reddit for some B-list celebrity I’ve never heard of. More importantly though, my head feels lighter, clearer. I get home and I don’t have this mental exhaustion from the massive amounts of content I’ve consumed since I left the house that same morning. We’re so conditioned to just expose ourselves to information at every spare moment: in quiet waiting rooms; between conversations; in the McDonald’s drive-thru. No longer having that ability is…interesting, to say the least. Many of my questions, too, go unanswered–and it’s kind of beautiful in a way? My response to every internal inquiry was Google that shit (that’s another trademark btw). And I would, too: Why do radio stations always have a man and a woman co-host? Is the moon really that round or does it just look that way? Does cocaine have calories in it?
I have to wonder now, or at least until I get home. But by then I tend to forget, as a lot of times as it turns out, knowing wasn’t really all that important; and my body is grateful for the extra space that’s left in the answer’s absence.
All in all, the switch hasn’t been hard–yet. Yeah, T9 is a bit annoying and my GPS is less than ideal, but the hangups have been easy enough to work around. Will I stick with it? I guess only time will tell. Don’t know if–or when–I’ll log another update, but hopefully this little late-night yell into the void has been somewhat interesting, if not illuminating.
I was going to end with some kind of piece of advice like, “Don’t forget to log off!” or “Reflect on how your phone usage may be impacting you!” but you know that. We all know that, don’t we?
I guess that’s the problem.
